Underdark Released!

The Underdark and Player’s Handbook Races: Dragonborn have been released! Click on the image below to get 34% off retail price!


No realm in the D&D world stirs the imagination like the Underdark. This vast subterranean domain holds thousands of adventure possibilities and myriad threats, including drow, mind flayers, dragons, and worse! Underdark contains everything a Dungeon Master needs to run adventures or campaigns set in the vast underworld of his or her D&D campaign, including new monsters and hazards, ready-to-play encounters, monster lairs, and detailed information on various dark-dwelling “movers and shakers.”
Dragon Players Handbook

This book presents D&D players with exciting new options for their dragonborn characters, including unique racial feats, powers, paragon paths, and epic destinies. This book also includes ways to flesh out your dragonborn character’s background and personality.

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Player’s Handbook Races:Dragonborn is out now.

Now come on, what the fuck? I roll up a Dwarven character and I think, what’s his background going to be – not that it matters in 4th Edition, but bear with me. I decide that he is a violent, frustrated Dwarf who takes his shit out on halflings and gnomes etc. Now, if you’re creating a Dwarven rapist fighter with Strength 18, you probably want to know the size of his dick. Why? Well evidently because that’s an important part of the character’s psyche. Now let’s say Dwarves are now, for some reason 4.5 – 5 feet tall. They used to be shorter, but nevermind. A few questions come to mind about how impractical the PHB is with regards to character creation. How big is Gordik’s cock? Is it proportionate, so like 3-4 inches, but then he wouldn’t be a very good rapist, would he. All that tender, Heffling asshole wouldn’t be very traumatised by Stumpy Gordik’s 4-inch boner, now, would he?

So let’s say Gordik’s eight inches, uncut. That’s pretty big. I mean, this fucker’s packing and Heffling male who crosses Gordik’s path is going to shit himself before he gets his shit pushed in. But then, what the fuck? Does Gordik’s dick hang between his fucking knees because he’s only 4.75 feet tall? Does he have no shins? How intimidating are his low-hanging, billiard-sized balls? These are all questions which my DM, regrettably, has not addressed.

Moreover, I choose the Evil alignment for Gordik. Is he chaotic evil? Does his lust for Heffling asshole make him uncontrollable? Is the fact that he’s a seething rapist have anything to do with this?

Now imagine Gordik: he’s 4.75 feet tall, but he’s built and ripped as fuck. Not ripped in a casual-gym sort of way, but properly shredded. When he sweats, sweat pours down in rivers through the dug canals of his abs. That’s how fucking ripped my Dwarven character is. My point is – how does this come through in the game? Is it reflected in the narrative? Does it affect NPCs? No, it’s all about combat. Gordik cuts a swathe through his opponents, but I have to take a skill check to see whether I split a random halfling punk’s rim. WTF? There were days when I used the Bend Bars/Lift Gates check to see whether I got my raw dick into a halfling’s mancunt. Now what? Just a flavourless skill check? Give me a break.

And what about Gordik’s appearance. It doesn’t matter if he has a Prince Albert, or that he wears chains and leather and that he carries a butt-plug around. All this flavour is lost in this endless morass of powers. Sure, Gordik can real take shitloads of damage (not dealing much, though, thanks to Fighters being relegated to pathetic tanks) but he has no flavour, no soul.

4th Edition is actually all right, but I miss older editions when Dwarven characters had style and substance, not just flashy power cards